And Once Again, Seek Change

Dear self,

Presented with a mirror, you do not see yourself – you see flaws.

Which is, when given the time to think about it, a truly ridiculous sentiment, especially since instead of just seeing your flaws, you magnify them instead. You are prone to be far too hard on yourself than anyone else ever will be, which is why you notice that you’re beginning to be an intolerable person.

Whatever the heart is full of, the mouth speaks – and God only knows what your heart is full of right now.

Recall: remember publishing your very first post, written more than a year ago, on this very same issue: that you really, really, really wanted to change. There have been, admittedly, some improvements, of which you can only thank God for.

Pero kulang pa jud.

Still, for the sake of review you want to see how far you’ve gone from the you a year ago. Much has changed, but some things remain the same.

Basically, here’s the list of what you wanted to change about yourself, written last year, and written below will be what you think of these issues now.

1. Your constant, automatic, ingrained, self-destructive habit of comparing yourself to others.

Wow. You can’t believe how unhealthy you were back then. You look back on it and wonder how you ever came to think this way. But you’ve learned now, that people are themselves, and you are you. You no longer compare, instead you observe: not to judge, but to simply understand.

Still, you know now that you will always be wary of strangers, and that crowds make you distinctly uncomfortable. Being alone in a crowded place is especially  traumatising.

2. Your inability to forgive yourself.

Well. It really is hard, sometimes, trying to forgive yourself. When other people hurt you, somehow you make it seem as if them hurting you was all your fault. You tell yourself, if only I’m not like this or that, then that person wouldn’t have treated me that way.

And that’s… kind of really sad.

3. Your jealousy.

Good news! This has been significantly improved, of which you are glad. You realize now all of us are given a certain measure: of faith, of material possessions, of talents – the trick is how you manage them. Stewardship is the name of the game. How will you use what you have been given? Do you use it for self-gain, or do you use it to advance the kingdom of God?

4. Your fluctuating inferiority-superiority complex.

You hate your pride. You hate it. Why, oh why do you ever feel this most abhorred emotion? CRUSH IT, SELF.

5. Your crippling fear of being judged.

Yeah. You hate it when people talk behind your back, or worse: take one look at you, and snicker. For some reason the loudest people who judge you really have no right to. You ache at this. It hurts you.

You’ve realized, though, how to deal with this:

STAY UNDER THE RADAR.

6. Your hypocrisy.

Happily do you report that this… has been significantly improved! HOORAY! When you say something now, it means that you mean it.

I’m… I’m really happy somehow.

7. Your being a spendthrift.

MORE GOOD NEWS! YAY! You hate spending now! HAHAHAHA. KAPOI NA GASTO! 

Not that you still don’t rely on your parents. You big baby.

8. Your being a liar.

Wow. Grabe ka ka bakakon sauna no? But now you notice – when you are about to tell a lie you pause and backtrack. Instead you try to break the news as gently or as humourously as possible.

“Ma, nahutdan na kog allowance.”

“Mag dusa ka.”

-Non-verbatim convo between Person A and Person B

9. Your inability to finish what you start.

YOU WANT TO FINISH A NOVEL SOOOO BAD BUT DISTRACTIONS! STAHP. Huhuhu this still need a ton of work! AND WRITING. Writing is doubly hard. What about all those stories left unfinished? Huhuhu self.

10. Your self-hatred.

This. But Jesus has enough love to go around, so that’s all good.

You come back to Him always. Everyday you come back to Him. Everyday you die to yourself and try, with varying effort, to emulate Him. Oh, to be like the Saviour! Oh, to be with Him, to be comforted by Him!

Hahahayyyy. Jesus is my everything goals. HAHA. How to be lyk U po?


Presented with the outcome of your resolution, you realize that while you still have a long, long way to go, you find yourself okay with that.

It’s okay, self. You’re a work in progress and all that jazz. You’re okay.

Oh – and btw, two more things you want to work on:

Propriety.

You just recently read Pride and Prejudice, and wowza that book shows you how a lady ought to deport herself. But more than that, you want to be a woman of God – so act like one. Dress the way a woman of God would, talk like she would, and walk like she would.

In everything, emulate the greats in the Bible, and follow the lives of the women you look up to in church (Hi, Tita Evelyn, Ate Ching, and Ate Ofelyn: How to be lyk u po?) .

Ang imong palabra.

Or, your word. Specifically, always watch what you say. Temper your tongue, self. Your words have power – they have the frightening ability to build or destroy; so choose, always, to build. To strengthen. To encourage. To shape.

And do not get disheartened when the people around you refuse to listen.

…lest you cross the line and nag.


And lastly, self, remember:

That He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it. You just have to wait.

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

Philippians 1:6 ESV

 

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