I am a slow learner. I am no longer what I used to be. I feel that my mimd is shrinking, or even scarier — that it had always been small to begin with. I feel the limits of my brain acutely: I require more rest (at least 7 hours a day), and get more headaches, such that the occasions in which I do not have one are more noticeable to me. I feel the nerves and the synapses cackling with electricity — I feel my brain working just beneath the hair follicles on my scalp. I’m scared. I am frightened at my own limitations, because I feel that I am more limited than most. My brain is a broken thing, forced to work despite its shoddy, patched-up self. I fear that there is not enough room for the knowledge I wish it to contain, nor even enough room for the thoughts, the ideas, I wish it to express.
On occasion I rethink and reassess — surely my mental faculties are adequate, nay, even slightly above average, compared to the norm? But then a passing jolt of synaptic energy snaps me out of this grandiose train of thought, and I realize that no, I am dreadfully, painfully limited. I am contained in this malfunctioning brain, this brain that will break when too much work is required of it, this brain that winds like a broken record when the day extends to more than 24 hours, this brain that requires medication to remain functioning.
I am painfully aware that I constantly coast the line between mal — and functioning. It seems to me that that singular dash ( a mere hairsbreadth) is the only line that separates me from insanity.
I fear my brokenness is beyond repair in this life.
I fear that my heart and my soul are far too large for my mind. I fear that my mind, my brain, is far too physical an object that the space it occupies cannot house my whole being with comfort. I fear that I am too large for it. I fear that I would be confined in this small space forever — this space that is cluttered, full of noise, cramped.
I need more room inside my mind. I need more space within myself. How I wish I could break open my skull simply to make enough room!